What really counts as cheating?
Words: Holly
I find that many a good relationship article idea is born in much the same way. It usually occurs towards the tail-end of a week, roughly 2 to 3 drinks down, with my group of closest girlfriends. This one was no exception. Over a cocktail or two at yet another new Soho pop-up cocktail bar last Thursday evening, surrounded by 8 close girlfriends, the conversation turned to cheating. More precisely, what really counts as cheating.
Opinions were, naturally, divided. Some of us agreed we would forgive certain acts of cheating over others, whilst others of the group, myself included, felt that at this age kissing someone was as much cheating as sex. I’m of the thought that if you’re emotionally invested enough or attracted to another person to kiss them it’s just as unforgivable if you were to have sex. The point of this conversation, however, was not necessarily what we would or wouldn’t forgive, but rather what we thought was or wasn’t cheating. Obviously having a full blown affair and sleeping with other women is cheating – that goes without saying, but everything from sleeping in the same bed as another woman to going for drinks and dinners with a female work colleague?
FLIRTING WITH OTHER WOMEN:
“I wouldn’t break up with someone if they were flirting with other people, but I wouldn’t turn a blind eye to it either. It’s obviously not cheating so to speak, but if they were then having one-on one drinks or dinners with that person I would start to question it pretty seriously – it’s emotionally cheating in my eyes.”
“Anything can be cheating if there’s sexual intent, even just talking. For me, it’s not about the action, it’s about the motive. So if it’s harmless flirting to simply make someone more at ease, then fine – not cheating. But if he’s attracted to the woman he is flirting with then it is.”
TEXTING/MESSAGING OTHER WOMEN:
“If you have to sneak to do it, lie to cover it up, or delete it to avoid it being seen then it’s cheating.”
“Cheating is cheating. Others may think differently. The lines are blurred sure, and what I may believe to be cheating might not be what someone else’s girlfriend thinks is, but I’d actually probably be more upset/angry if my boyfriend had been texting another girl continuously behind my back than if he randomly kissed a stranger whilst drunk in a nightclub.”
“Again, it comes down to intent. Is he texting some girl out of politeness because they’re friends or is he texting a girl he met when out and it’s flirty? If the latter then that’s emotional cheating, plain and simple.”
DRUNKENLY GETTING WITH ANOTHER WOMAN:
“It’s simple, anything that my boyfriend would be hurt or upset by me doing (thus essentially being defined as cheating) is something that he too shouldn’t be doing and I’m pretty sure he wouldn’t be happy with me getting with other guys.”
“Anything that he feels guilty about, to me, that is cheating.”
“I’m so fed up of people using alcohol as an excuse for misdemeanours. I’m capable of going out, getting drunk and not kissing or sleeping with random men, so he should be able to too. Of course it’s cheating.”
“Of course it’s cheating, anything that you only do with your girlfriend should not be done with someone who isn’t. If you think that kissing someone else isn’t cheating then you shouldn’t be in a relationship.”
SLEEPING IN A BED WITH ANOTHER WOMAN:
“If you’re 21 years old and passing out in beds at house parties at 5am then that’s forgivable, but if you’re a grown-up man with a job and a house and your own bed then there’s actually no excuse for this. Sleeping in a bed with someone else is a very personal thing and I would 100% class that as cheating at this age.”
“If I found out that my boyfriend had slept in a bed with another woman I would be pretty angry. I wouldn’t necessarily define it as cheating, but it’s still not ok and shouldn’t be done. I also wouldn’t break up with him for it, but if there were other slip ups prior to this then it might just be the icing on the cake for a break up.”
LYING ABOUT BEING IN A RELATIONSHIP:
“I had an ex who would go out with his friends and lie to women he met that he was single. He never got with anyone, he just liked the attention and feeling like he was single, which to me was the biggest betrayal. I would have preferred him to have randomly hooked up with a stranger drunk than to have lied about being in a relationship.”
“Just because it’s not necessarily a reason to break up, does not mean it isn’t cheating.”
GOING FOR ONE-ON-ONE DINNERS OR DRINKS WITH ANOTHER WOMAN:
“Cheating doesn’t have to involve kissing or touching. You could have an emotional affair and that’s just as bad, if not worse in fact.”
“That’s a difficult one. I’m not a possessive or jealous person, but there is something that’s really wrong about it. Of course my boyfriend can and does have lots of close girlfriends, some of which are mutual friends, and that I wouldn’t have a problem with, but what I would take issue with is if I found out (not via him) that he had been going out for drinks with a friend that we didn’t share or a work colleague I didn’t know – that I would define as cheating – because he’s hiding it.”
Images taken from the Winter Issue 2014. Photographed by Adam Fussell. Styled by Holly Macnaghten.
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