What type of Englishman are You?
Words: Violet
England is a strange place (no, once and for all, it’s not a country) – how could anywhere that does morris dancing not be? But by far the oddest thing about it is its people – now they really are weird. After two millennia of invasion and immigration, the English are a pretty diverse bunch, with roots everywhere from Ireland to Iraq to India. But amazingly, they have a lot in common with each other – in fact, this green and (relatively) pleasant land is basically populated by a bunch of stereotypes. So, if you are English, which one are you? And if, like me, you’re not, then find out with our foolproof quiz…
1. How do you say ‘Scone’?, a) Rhyming with ‘On’, b) Rhyming with ‘Own’, c) Rhyming with ‘supercalifragilisticexpealidociousramalamadingdonghow’syerfather’?
2. Who did you vote for in the last election?, a) True Blue, b) Lib Dem, though you won’t be making that mistake again., c) I don’t vote, it’s all the same, innit.
3. What’s the correct way to drink a cup of tea?, a) With authority and poise. One’s little finger must always stick out accusingly., b) Doesn’t matter, provided the teabag is ethically-sourced., c) From a chipped and slightly grubby mug with a picture of Dennis the Menace on it.
4. Who is the greatest living English actor?, a) Michael Caine – and that’s ‘Sir Michael Caine’ to you., b) Tilda Swinton, c) Russell Brand
5. When in London, where do you spend most of your time?, a) An equal split between Mayfair and Fulham., b) It used to be Islington and Notting Hill, but Shoreditch and Brixton are the places now., c) That brothel above the Chinese supermarket on the Old Kent Road.
6. Your ideal job would be…, a) Captain of the national cricket team, b) Director-General of the BBC, c) Dunno. Blow jobs are good, I guess.
7. You think hunting is…, a) Essential for protecting livestock and jolly good fun, too. Huzzah!, b) A barbarous and unnecessary way for toffs to waste their time., c) A synonym for sharking in clubs.
8. How do you spend your weekends?, a) On the estate. Well, someone’s estate., b) A flat white in the members’ room bar at Tate Modern, followed by a screening of the new Paolo Sorrentino film at the Electric., c) You don’t wanna know, bruv.
9. Where do you buy your clothes?, a) Suits come from Savile Row, everything else from Jermyn Street., b) H&M, Cos and Topman. Margaret Howell, if we’re splashing out., c) Buy ‘em? Does the woman next door’s bin count?
10. Your responsibility is to…, a) Country, family and the MCC., b) The sick, the needy and keeping up with the trends., c) Responsa-what?!?
MOSTLY As:
You’re as conservative as they come. If you admit to having a style icon, it’s probably either Prince Charles or the Gap Yaar guy. You eat red meat at least twice a day and bloody well enjoy it. You’re a patriot through and through, and one day hope to rise to high office so that you can force through a bill to get back the British Empire. You have a girlfriend called Caroline and you enjoy fine claret, even if it is foreign muck.
MOSTLY Bs
Once upon a time, you’d have called yourself a metrosexual. But you don’t do labels anymore, do you? You buy the Guardian and Monocle and care about famine victims in Africa only slightly less than you pretend to. You live in London and are partial to the odd craft beer (preferably sourced from within the M25), perhaps to accompany a vegetarian Ottolenghi recipe. You love travelling above all else (so long as you can charge your iPhone), you listen to Radiohead and you’re much, much posher than you’d like anybody to know.
MOSTLY Cs
You’re Russell Brand. When will you GO AWAY?
By Digby Warde-Aldam
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