Think before going away with your girlfriend

“Couples holidays just have that cringe-y stigma attached to them though, don’t they?” These were the words I spluttered last night over the supper I was cooking for an old friend who had just been telling me about the most idyllic sounding weekend away with her boyfriend in Paris. “Oh puhh-lease! If you had a boyfriend though, you’d f***ing love to go on one and don’t pretend otherwise.” And these were the words my flatmate threw back at me across the table in defence of said old friend. She had a point. I probably would f***ing love to go on one and I really should stop pretending otherwise. That said however, whilst daydreaming on my morning commute of walking with someone tall, dark and handsome, arm in arm down the French Riviera at dusk after a romantic day of sunbathing and swimming in the azure sea, it occurred to me in fact that there are a number of red lights worth addressing before anyone takes the plunge and books a couple’s holiday. So here are my 10 things to think about before going on holiday with your girlfriend this summer…

1. IT’S MAKE OR BREAK, Seriously though. A couple’s holiday can either be the best thing you’ve ever done together – cementing your relationship and taking it to new levels of love you never knew existed, but it can also make it glaringly obvious that actually you have nothing in common, want completely different things in life and quite frankly you drive each other completely up the wall. If you’re doubting booking something three months in advance because you’re worried you won’t still be together then, well… you probably won’t be. Together, I mean. You’d do better to go for some last minute deal in August than wasting money on flights now that you can’t change the name of, or worse go anyway under the pretence that you’re closer than you really are and break up out there over badly cooked tapas and too many blue cocktails with naff umbrellas – it makes for a very awkward return flight. Trust me, I’ve been there.

2. CONSIDER THE LENGTH OF SAID HOLIDAY WITH MILITARY PRECISION, As a rule of thumb, don’t go on holiday with someone you’ve been going out with for less than 3 months – it’s too soon and it’s way too much of a commitment. A long weekend is probably a good start for a new relationship (6 months or less). If you don’t already live together then a week to 10 days is ideal for those further down the relationship road (6 months plus). While we’re on the topic, a note to the wise: don’t ever go for longer than a fortnight if you’re not living together already. Why? Because a decent bikini wax lasts about a fortnight. You’re welcome!

3. DON’T QUESTION THE SIZE OF HER SUITCASE, 6 different bikinis and 8 pairs of shoes for a week-long holiday? Completely normal. A hairdryer, straighteners and 20 plus bottles of sunscreen, after-sun, moisturiser and whatever else she insists on applying to herself throughout the day? Well that’s a given. Her suitcase will be at least twice the size of yours, no doubt be over the weight limit and she’ll probably end up having to shift at least two of those seemingly identical black dresses into yours. Don’t question it, don’t argue it, just carry it.

4. EXPECT THE TIME SHE TAKES TO GET READY TO DOUBLE (IF NOT TRIPLE), Every good woman knows the effort that goes into getting and maintaining a good tan (exfoliate, apply sunscreen, re-apply, buff, moisturise and layer with body oil). This alone adds a good 45 minutes to any woman’s beauty routine. Then consider the fact that her hair may well not be used to the humidity (cue extra drying, brushing and straightening time) and last but by no means least, the fact she’ll want to look extra beautiful each night, because it’s a holiday therefore every night is a special occasion. Don’t complain, just be prepared. Go to the bar early and get yourself a beer or two rather than spend the previous hour listening to her saying “just 5 minutes”.

5. THE BATHROOM SITUATION!, A good friend recently planned the most incredible holiday in Sri Lanka with his girlfriend of two years, but failed to note that the beautiful 5* hotel he had booked them into had a very open plan set-up, as in the kind of ‘open plan’ where the bathroom and loo are right in the middle of the room, no walls, no sound-proofing, nothing. Combine this with unusual local Sri Lankan cuisine, one dodgy glass of water each and well, you can guess the rest. Just make sure you’ve checked in advance and bear in mind there are plenty of front of house facilities not to mention restaurant restrooms to choose from should emergency strike – it’ll keep the allusion alive a little longer.

6. DISCUSS EXACTLY WHAT YOU EACH WANT OUT OF THE HOLIDAY, She wants to lie on a sun lounger, getting an envy-inducing tan – you want to hike up hills and go bungy-jumping. Best to work these things out before you get there. Discuss what you want to do and work around an equal divide of both of your ideas of holiday, but for god’s sake bear in mind that most women go on holiday to relax… and you should probably do the same. If you must insist on activities and she’s really not interested, plant her in the best positioned sun-lounger available, ply her with cocktails and a good book and she won’t even notice you’ve been gone all morning.

7. YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE TOGETHER 24/7, Apropos of the above, you aren’t on your honeymoon, you’re on holiday. It is ok to do odd things here and there separately. Got that? She may (and probably will) suggest some kind of couple’s spa session – a relaxing full-body couples mud mask with sea kelp exfoliants and nutrient rich skin stimulators – don’t get carried away, it’s not nearly as exciting as it sounds. No matter how much she begs, insist she goes alone – the moment you start pampering together you’ll instantly become an over-preened “I love me, what’s your hobby?” kind of guy and that’s attractive to exactly no woman. Ever.

8. MONEY MATTERS, A holiday away together should be seductive cocktail of sunbathing, swimming, lye-ins, good food, sweet cocktails and hot sex, it should not be about arguing over splitting the the meal bill or the price of the mini bar. Avoid upset and awkward exchanges out there by setting out in advance who is paying for what.

9. TELL HER SHE LOOKS GREAT IN HER BIKINI, While women might not tell you about it, there’s a huge amount of prep that goes into getting holiday ready, especially if they’re going with you (think manis, pedis, waxing, shaving, gyming, shopping… the list is endless) – she’ll have spent about half her monthly pay check on getting ready and yet she’ll still arrive, stand in front of a mirror on the first morning and think she looks like a bleached white Beluga whale in a pink bikini that’s rolled its way onto a sun lounger. So when she’s laying next to you by the pool, tell her she looks amazing.

10. EXPECT AND ACCEPT THE PHOTOS THAT SHE WILL INSIST TAKING, You may both laugh and mock your friends who put up “couples holiday selfies” AKA: Those ghastly photos that scream to the world: “We’re so in love. Look at us on this white sand beach with our shared cocktail in a hollowed out pineapple behind a perfectly selected filter”, but when it comes down to it, everyone loves a little bit of a brag, and if you don’t let her post photos to various social media platform whenever possible then how on earth will she show the world back home her amazing new Dior sunglasses… oh and boyfriend?