How to write an Out Of Office email

OOO. One simple acronym — a whole world of meaning. Does it stand for “Orkney islands, Octopus carpaccio and Ostentatious swimwear?” How about “Oily fish, Old fashioneds and Older ladies?” Or maybe for you it’s more a case of “Orangina, Orgies and Olivia’s little sister”?

However you like to let your hair down (and she’s 21 now so I think it’s completely fair play at this point), you’ll need to do a little housekeeping first. Here’s how to set up your Out of Office email properly, according to my clients, contacts and colleagues. See you in the Speedy Boarding queue.

Some people say that the journey is more important than the destination. But those people have obviously never been to the Oyster Catcher in Polzeath with their older brother’s fake ID.

Accordingly, the first step in setting up an Out Of Office email is to actually get out of your office. Holidays are an amazing way to leave the country, and they often come with the added benefits of heatstroke, perma-topless Air BnB landlords named Gustav, and catastrophic arguments with your girlfriend over the amount of maxi dresses she’s packed. (Not to go into all that again, but I think all of us, with the benefit of hindsight, would agree that 17, even accounting for soilage, is an optimistic number for a long weekend in Normandy.)

Some locations warranting an OOO: Rock, the Dordogne, Tuscany, Umbria, Capri, Como, Ibiza, Sotogrande, Nantucket, Cap d’Antibes, Cap Ferret, Cap Ferrat, Hotel-du-Cap, most of Wandsworth, any All Bar One, quite a long lunch.

(Side note: journalist and broadcaster Pandora Sykes says she likes to put one on “when I’m recording my podcast, in meetings, [or] on writing deadlines”, but you’re not as interesting as her so don’t worry about all that.)

While you’re off inadvertently picking up older Swedes in Mykonos (SUCH a tactile people — and such interesting swimwear, don’t you find?), someone else will have to pick up your emails.

This is a really great opportunity to let everyone know how many people work below you. Always list at least three deputies who people can contact in your absence. If you work for an interior design company, it might be Daisy, Poppy and India. If you work in PR, it might be Poppy, India and Daisy. If you work in fashion, it might be India, India and India.

Remember to include their personal mobile numbers, too, so your clients can ring them at 11.45pm with a super, super urgent request about some peonies.

OOO is not just an acronym — it’s onomatopoeia. Make your clients and colleagues coo with envy when you name drop your current situation, hinting, as ever, to a colourful, exciting, debonair life beyond your desk. An example here:

“I’m currently Out Of Office with limited access to email due to restricted WIFI in Mustique (though I plan to check my inbox when we dock at Necker, St Barth’s and possibly Martha’s Vineyard.) If your query is regarding the impending IPO or my upcoming Forbes profile or the charity single with Eric Clapton, please get in touch with lydia@mykensingtonprivateoffice.com. Thanks!”

It’s important to use some phrases in your OOO email that you’ve literally never, ever said out loud. This lets everyone know that, despite the fact that you’re currently engaged in a mid-morning snowball fight over at your step father’s Ibizan palazzo, you’re still a consummate professional. Terms like “Statutory Annual Leave” and “endeavour to return your correspondence” will more than make up for the cubic foot of Andalusian pure you’ve just tipped onto the coffee table.

You’re a creative person, really, or at least you’ve always felt that you could be. Your OOO email should reflect this. Why not throw few whacky details in the mix? Some people I know just put a gif of a cat with a big pina colada, or write out a risque limerick which was funny in 1999 but might get them dragged before an employment tribunal in the current climate.

Others like to show off their no-nonsense, straight-talking attitude by being brusque and passive-aggressive: “I won’t be replying to any emails because I’m probably on my third mojito right now. And because I have a life. This IS PR, not ER.” etc etc.

If in doubt, why not come up with a really fun lyrical pun? “All the annual leaves are brown, and this guy’s away. California Dreamin’ — and drinking lots of rosé!” is a brilliant one I just thought of. Or don’t you listen to the Mamas and the Papas?

Fine — you said you were going to switch off. But surely it can’t hurt to take a little peak at the old inbox now and again? Why not trot off to that spot on the hill three miles away near the sewage treatment plant to get some 3G signal each morning? Or spend half the week trying to work out how to use the mid-century AOL modem in the haunted playroom at the top of the house? Even better, why not wait until you’re a bottle of Whispering Angel deep in a busy beachfront clubstaurant before replying, incredibly lucidly and wittily, to your most significant investor? Your email might say Out Of Office, but your mind doesn’t have to be. Good luck out there!

Now, why not learn how to take really amazing holiday photos while you’re at it?

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