Words: Jonathan Wells
Imagine, for a moment, that your relationship is a library. It may be a flawed analogy, but go with it.
For all the riveting reads and well-thumbed bestsellers that you share with your other half – books so good you can’t, and wouldn’t want to, put them down – there will always be a shadowy shelf hidden away at the back. And, try as you might to skirt around it, occasionally you’ll find yourself careening headlong into this shelf, and all the bad books it contains.
It may be a forgotten anniversary, a subpar birthday present, or a gross overestimation of her dress size, but it is inevitable that you will one day incur the wrath of your partner, and become trapped in the pages of her bad books. A Dewey Decimal Victim, if you will.
So how can you escape? There are innumerable methods to get back into her good graces, but the process is notoriously tricky. So, if you’re serious about making up for your mistake, listen up – and make sure you do things by the book.
First things first, you must accept that you are wrong. Whether or not you truly believe yourself to be the bad guy is irrelevant. She sees you as the villain of the piece, so that is what you are.
What’s that? It was a genuine and innocent mistake when you called her by her best friend’s name? Your phone actually did run out of battery at that bachelor party last night? Tough. Fighting will only get you in deeper, so grit your teeth and do your utmost to carry that blame on your shoulders. Take the rap and stop defending yourself, but don’t apologise just yet – too soon and it will appear insincere.
In a library slowly filling with bad books, you must be quiet. Don’t say a word – let her vent her displeasure in your direction, and then give her space. Take a walk, visit a friend or just pop to the pub – the destination doesn’t matter, you must simply give her time to process your fight.
If she’s overreacted, she’ll likely come to this realisation herself. If she hasn’t, she’ll want you to come back so you can fight it out – a feeling that will, with time, reduce to just wanting you to come back. Watch your watch, however. Return too soon and she’ll still be angry; too late and she’ll be even angrier.
Upon returning, be an open book. Begin by apologising – with sincerity – and proceed to talk things through with her. Don’t let your conversation get heated, don’t work yourself up and restrain the urge to rationalise or defend your earlier actions. The best move would be to straight up admit just how wrong you were and then stress how sorry you are about that.
Your repentance will lay the foundations for forgiveness and, from here, you can begin to rebuild.
The next step is to subtly and steadily flatter her until she realises just how much you care about her.
Obviously, depending on the level of the fight, this may be a step to avoid. If she’s standing tousle-haired with a face streaked with mascara, clutching a pair of scissors in one hand and the remains of your favourite jacket in the other, it’s probably not the time to tell her how ‘cute’ she looks. Use your own common sense to gauge what’s acceptable in this situation – although, given the fact you got yourself into this situation in the first place, that might not bode well.
And remember, although she may appear calm, collected and on the verge of accepting your apology, her mind may still be twitching with anger. Don’t push your luck, and never judge a book by its cover. Instead…
You’ve done your best to re-level the playing field, so now it’s time to build yourself back up. This is the time for sweeping, romantic gestures – from a bunch of flowers to a bundle of jewellery.
Try recalling just why she fell for you in the first place, and replicating that. Did she love your cooking? Get your apron on and whip up a forgiveness feast. Did she find your spontaneity refreshing? Plan an unexpected date. Did she share your love of West End shows? Head to the theatre.
Rekindle the fun you had at the beginning of the relationship, whilst reminding her of traditions that you have established over the course of your relationship. Don’t bring up the argument in case it all kicks off again – instead tell her how much you care about her and how much you hate it when you don’t get along.
Follow these steps to the letter, and you’ll ensure that particular bad book is closed for good.
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