A gentleman’s guide to divorce
Keep your head high, and aim up - otherwise you’ll spiral down
Words: Jonathan Wells
Let’s not beat around the bush; this is an incredibly thorny issue. From the logistics of splitting to the emotional fallout, the damage even a good divorce can do is atomic. But, if you’re looking to contain the blast radius even a little, there are several things a gentleman can do to ensure that, even though it may feel like it, it’s not the end of the world.
You may have not acted like a gentleman throughout your marriage – indeed, that may even have precipitated the divorce – but equally, if you’re either stinging with regret or have been hard done by, now is the time to be straight-laced, stiff-lipped and as conscientious as possible in the face of adversity.
It’s over, so no fawning over the past or feeling sorry for yourself. Instead, pour all of your energy into the pursuit of making the most out of the situation. This may include writing out a plan for the coming months, redirecting your energy into a creative outlet or fitness regime, or even searching for a promotion at work. Keep your head high, and aim up – otherwise you’ll spiral down.
Never cursing isn’t a prerequisite for a gentleman – some of the quickest wits and most impressive men in history were notoriously foul-mouthed – but an impending divorce is not the time to unleash the language.
Throwaway comments, or those made in anger, will come back to bite you. Calling your ex-wife, any member of her family, or her solicitor by names, or attacking their character in any way, is a bad idea. This will only stoke your own misery, and is definitely not the behaviour of a man moving on.
Despite the obvious issues regarding break up of estate, finances, and children if you have them, there should be no attempts to one-up your ex. Once everything legal has been divided, that is it.
If you constantly attempt to measure your success against hers, and try tirelessly to ensure that your friends and family see that you’re doing better than her, then you aren’t moving on – and such petty behaviour is so far from honourable that you may as well have built a divorce-o-meter.
You should, of course, be reaching and hoping to succeed. But only if you’re doing it for you will your energy be directed in the right way, and used positively.
This should be a given, but in turbulent times insaner heads often prevail. If you have a prenup, you can argue that it be followed. But, if situations have changed and this is no longer fair, ignore any animosity and do your best to calmly discuss what best to do.
Be honest, and keep everything above board. Rely on solicitors, but not entirely – a real gentleman doesn’t completely delegate care of his finances.
You may feel a strong urge to throw on a pair of joggers and lay on the sofa all day watching talk shows and eating junk food, but you can’t let yourself go. As the old adage goes, keep calm and carry on – and act accordingly. Just because you’re single doesn’t mean you have to act a certain way.
This means no going out and building up the most cliché bachelor pad ever – especially if you’ve got children who you’ll have to entertain at some point. And no spitefully pursuing your ex-wife’s friends just to get back at her. This sort of sniping and backbiting is no way to move on. If possible, extricate yourself entirely from her life, remember what sort of man you wanted to be before you met her – and try to pick up where your life left off.
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