Words: Violet
Naming your yacht is a difficult business. You obviously don’t want to play it too safe (you should see the number of boats called ‘Serenity’ or ‘Ocean Wave’ in Monaco harbour), but equally you don’t want to end up looking like a prat. We’ve trawled the seas for the best and worst – gag reflexes at the ready, here we go…
THE BEST…
Privacy
We like the name of the celebrity golfer and philanderer Tiger Woods’s boat – it’s simple and direct and avoids the obvious clichés. He could’ve added ‘please’ onto the end, mind.
Seas the Day
The most popular name for US registered yachts for two years in a row, this is so bad it just about works.
Woftam
An acronym for ‘waste of fucking time and money’, it’s funny ‘cos it’s probably true.
Regina de Italia
Italy hasn’t actually had a queen since 1946, but designers Domenico Dolce and Stefano Gabbana didn’t let that stop them coming over all monarchist with this flashy number. The name is funny and distinctive – a lot like their menswear.
Nauti Buoy
It combines naughtical with buoy … to create an entirely different word/phrase thing! Oh wow, the genius behind this must’ve been (That’s enough – ed)
… AND THE WORST
Tits
This superyacht belonged to Prince Jefri Bolkiah, brother of the Sultan of Brunei. Not only was the name the sort of thing the thickest lad in the student union would cringe at, but he also had two breast-shaped tenders specially built to illustrate what he meant by it. Great one, Jef.
Tax Seavasion
First of all, it’s not really a pun, is it? Second, you’re actively flaunting your failure to contribute anything to society. If there was any justice, this floating white collar crime would be cast in the titular role when they do a re-make of Titanic.
Cyan
Alright, most of the reason this made the list is because it belongs to Bono. But seriously (sea-riously? Sorry)… how boring can you get? Actually, given how dull U2’s last album was, it’s probably better not to ask.
Petara
Awww… when Bernie Ecclestone bought this yacht, he decided to name it after his daughters, Petra and Tamara. If that isn’t sickly enough, ‘petara’ is the future tense of an untranslatable Spanish verb usually used in conjunction with picking zits. Gross.
Just Joking
Ho! Ho! Ho! But will you be laughing when your hull’s been ruptured and you have to send a distress signal? Imagine:
YACHT: MAYDAY! MAYDAY!, COASTGUARD: Identify your position and name, please., YACHT: 42 degrees south of Sumatra! Just Joking!, COASTGUARD: Oh well that’s alright them (hangs up). Bloody time waster.
(nb, this – or something remarkably similar – did actually happen)
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