Words: Jonathan Wells
The sacrifices are substantial. The returns are minimal. And yet, the position is a coveted one. Welcome to the life of a wingman.
Picture the scene: One of your best friends is suffering a crisis of confidence. The twinkle in his eye has flickered out. His smooth-talking has hit a bump in the road. His mojo is no mo’.
He needs assistance. He needs you to guide him back into the world of modern romance. He needs, for want of a better term, you to take him under your wing.
So step up to the plate, take charge and learn how to become the best wingman you can possibly be by using these six indispensable tips.
As a wingman, it is your duty to invigorate and motivate your friend. And be this by plying him with countless espressos or blasting heavy metal music at volumes approaching the dangerous, you must find a way to tap into what makes him tick – and get it ticked.
Other acceptable methods are to recount stories of his past conquests as if they were awe-inspiring battle victories, or to compliment his wardrobe to such an extent that he could be wearing a gold suit of armour and you wouldn’t be able to laud him with any more admiration.
But be warned, extend this adulation to his face and body at your own risk – you’re trying to set him up with someone, not throw your own hat in the ring of romance.
Whilst on the subject of his appearance, another key piece of wingman work is to remain on hand for the entire night in case of emergencies – sartorial or otherwise.
So, if your friend emerges from the bathroom with toilet paper stuck to his shoe, lets his tie loosen beyond the acceptable quarter inch or enjoys one too many Martinis and begins stumbling around the bar like a newborn giraffe, it may be time to rein him in.
In fact, another of your responsibilities is to introduce enough alcohol to socially lubricate proceedings, but not so much that his spirit-induced high spirits give way to slurred words. Always make sure you’re waiting in the wings to swoop in with some water.
Bravery is a crucial characteristic of any worthy wingman. It is your job to identify which woman your friend has the best chance with and, regardless of the size of their group or how socially awkward it may be for you, approach with debonair determination.
Suppress your reservations, battle the odds and, in this way, you will earn your wings.
This is a fine line to walk, but some harmless hyperbole never goes amiss. When bigging your friend up to his prospective partner, tell stories that are footed in fact – but don’t be afraid to add some extra excitement to make him look even more impressive.
It may also be a good idea to come up with some codewords – expressions and phrases that could mean everything from ‘lost cause’ to ‘go for it’. However – and this is important – never wing it. Inventing words once you’re already deep in conversation will only lead to confusion – and confusion breeds conflict.
The master wingman can read a situation in a second, and react where necessary. Be this intercepting potential threats to your friend’s success or sacrificing your own night to talk to some of his chosen woman’s less attractive friends, running interference can save the night.
Helpful tactics include: Asking her friends to accompany you to the bar to help carry all the drinks you’re about to buy them, saving seats and tagging in when your friend goes to the bar or bathroom, and striking up a conversation with the hulking, cro-magnon chancer who thinks he’s got a shot and keeps giving your friend fisticuff looks.
It may sound harsh, and unlike the behaviour of a first rate wingman, but one of your important responsibilities is to know when to cut your losses and dissuade your friend from wasting any more of his time.
If this does happen, you must immediately return to step one and pump your friend back up to the levels of confidence he requires to persevere with his night. But, as thankless a task as this may seem, it is the best thing to do. There is nothing worse than letting your friend waste his time – so if need be, clip those wings.
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