21 things British people need to stop doing
Words: Patrick
Work was done. It was home time. I jumped into the lift, pressed the ground floor button, turned and stared at myself in the mirror – as we all do. The lift shuddered to a stop and the doors drew open. Uh oh… There was a person waiting, standing right in front of the exit.
“Sorry, sorry” I muttered pathetically, pressing myself to the side of the wall and slithering out like an awkward worm. “So sorry, sorry,” the young woman reacted, contorting herself into an equally bizarre yoga stance to step out of my way. It was all very odd, but totally habitual and British. We love to say sorry, whether passing someone on the stairs, albeit with acres of space, or tripping over someone else’s leg, no fault of our own. Sorry, sorry, sorry. It’s one of the 21 things British people need to stop doing…
1. Saying sorry, 2. Being drunk and disorderly when on holiday, 3. Using naff Americanisms, 4. Refusing to at least try and learn other languages when on holiday…, 5. … And combatting this by shouting English words with hyperbolic pronunciation, 6. Getting burnt the second the sun comes out, 7. Talking about the weather, 8. Constantly referring to the time we won the 1966 Football World Cup, 9. Saying ‘right’ before doing absolutely everything, 10. Saying how cheap pints are in the countryside compared to the city, 11. Thinking that allowing someone to order before you at a bar when they were there first is the single most decent thing a human being can do, and therefore MUST be acknowledged with a heartfelt thank you, 12. Reminding people how many sports we invented, 13. Going bloody crazy over a bargain, and telling everyone for the following year, 14. Finding silence uncontrollably stressful (there is no greater silence than that of being in a lift with someone or standing at a urinal), 15. Wanting our national teams and sportsmen to fail, 16. Thinking you’re the busiest human being to have ever lived. And therefore you must walk as fast as your legs will physically carry you, 17. Dancing like it’s the most uncomfortable thing they’ve ever had to do, 18. Finding emotions incredibly awkward to deal with, 19. Going abroad and seeking out British food, 20. Asking people, even very good friends, how their journey was, 21. Complaining without actually saying any words, but rather huffing, puffing, tutting and sighing
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