50 things that will happen now that Article 50 has been triggered

In the not too distant political past saying something like “triggering Article 50 of the Lisbon Treaty” would have been a sure way of prompting a big, sarcastic yawn. But in these times of daily political upheaval, ParliaMENTAL reporting has become more salacious and trendy than the gossip pages of yesteryear. So as that you aren’t left out of the loop, here is a guide for the politically disengaged gentleman with fifty things that will happen after Article 50 is triggered.

1. The pound will drop, again.
2. But don’t worry, the Euro will drop further.
3. Nigel Farage will tweet that Wednesday 29th March should be a national holiday.
4. Guy Verhofstadt will respond by saying the 29th march should be Europe’s celebration of the day Nigel Farage left the EU.
5. Tony Blair will be back on the TV complaining that nobody is listening to his heartfelt complaints that we need to remain in the EU.
6. There will be a march in central London complaining and someone will make a placard saying, “Screw Article 50. I’m Triggered”
7. Austria will start trying to negotiate a better deal for Austria
8. Belgium will start trying to negotiate a better deal for Belgium
9. Bulgaria will start trying to negotiate a better deal for Bulgaria
10. Croatia will start trying to negotiate a better deal for Croatia
11. Cyprus will start trying to negotiate a better deal for Cyprus
12. Czech Republic will start trying to negotiate a better deal for Czech Republic
13. Denmark will start trying to negotiate a better deal for Denmark
14. Estonia will start trying to negotiate a better deal for Estonia
15. Finland will start trying to negotiate a better deal for Finland
16. France will start trying to negotiate a better deal for France
17. Germany will start trying to negotiate a better deal for Germany
18. Greece will start trying to negotiate a better deal for Greece
19. Hungary will start trying to negotiate a better deal for Hungary
20. Ireland will start trying to negotiate a better deal for Ireland
21. Italy will start trying to negotiate a better deal for Italy
22. Latvia will start trying to negotiate a better deal for Latvia
23. Lithuania will start trying to negotiate a better deal for Lithuania
24. Luxembourg will start trying to negotiate a better deal for Luxembourg
25. Malta will start trying to negotiate a better deal for Malta
26. Netherlands will start trying to negotiate a better deal for Netherlands
27. Poland will start trying to negotiate a better deal for Poland
28. Portugal will start trying to negotiate a better deal for Portugal
29. Romania will start trying to negotiate a better deal for Romania
30. Slovakia will start trying to negotiate a better deal for Slovakia
31. Slovenia will start trying to negotiate a better deal for Slovenia
32. Spain will start trying to negotiate a better deal for Spain
33. Sweden will start trying to negotiate a better deal for Sweden
34. United Kingdom will start trying to negotiate a better deal for United Kingdom
35. Scotland will ask to join the EU, again.
36. Donald Trump will grandstand about a trade deal he is offering Britain, saying it will be the “best deal the world has ever seen”.
37. Brexiteers will explain that Canada, Australia, India and China all want “deals” of their own.
38. Michele Barnier, the EU’s chief negotiator, will suddenly become someone you hear a lot more about down the pub with people pretending they “remember him form his days as the French Minister of State for European Affairs”.
39. The Sun will run a cover of Michel Barnier facing off against David Davis boxing style
40. The UK’s ambassador to the EU, Sir Tim Barrow, will hand-deliver a letter signed by the Prime Minister to the European Council President Donald Tusk. People will follow the movement of the letter with the same fascination they had for the car that took Kate Middleton to her Royal Wedding.
41. British market wholesale traders will gleefully track down the bendiest of bananas to sell to their customers who are finally freed from the 1994 regulation insisting that bananas have to be “free from malformation or abnormal curvature”.
42. On 5th April “The EU-27” (the name of the Brexit survivor’s group) will meet to vote on the “Brexit Resolution” deciding on any red lines for the European Parliament.
43. The EU will start working on a new budget. The budget has to be a greed by all 27 states so without the UK it will either face cuts or “increased contributions”.
44. Remoaners will begin to ask about U-turns if the negotiations take a turn for the worse, pointing out that while the Supreme Court has said Article 50 notice can’t be withdrawn once it is delivered, the Lisbon Treaty doesn’t prohibit it.
45. People will start planning parties and protests for March 29th 2019, the official day we leave the EU.
46. Britons might be asked to start saving cash for a big bill the EU will be sending us to buy out the rest of our contract. However, David Davis and the Chancellor, Philip Hammond have both argued that they don’t recognise the EU’s proposed £50 billion Brexit bill.
47. On Thursday the Great Repeal Bill and the European Union Bill will start to convert all existing EU-related legislation into UK law.
48. Most of all, nothing will happen. There are still 2 years of intensive negotiations which are yet to begin. Notifying the EU of our intention to leave is just the beginning of the Brexit process that will put Britain in uncharted political and economic waters.
49. People living in UK overseas territories will start to worry that we’ve forgotten about them.
50. There will be a boom in post-Brexit “Keep calm and carry on” T-shirts, mugs, posters, and fridge magnets.