5 questions men shouldn’t ask women

Leaving work yesterday, a male colleague innocently asked what I was doing that evening, so I told him I was on my way to a doctor’s appointment – which I was. It was, in all honesty, a very simple check-up, it was nothing weird or scary or, heaven forbid, ‘female’ related, but what ensued was a thoroughly awkward 5-minute exchange:

“Are you dying?”, “No, but it would be awkward if I was now you’ve said that.”, “Sorry I mean, are you ok?”, “…yup”, What’s it for?”, “Errr…”, “Oh god, is it something bad?”, “….”, “Sorry, I mean you’re ok aren’t you?…wait, is that an awkward question to ask? Should you not ask girls why they’re going to the doctors? Is that weird? It is weird, isn’t it?…”

Until, thank god, we went our separate ways. It was then decided by said colleague that it might be a wise idea to write an article spelling out exactly what is and isn’t appropriate to ask a woman – any woman – because, as he said, “he has a friend who wants to know.”

So here we are now, with our thoroughly debated shortlist of 5 questions that any self respecting man should never ask a woman, unless of course you’re into being hated.

1. IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?

This gentlemen, is the cardinal sin of questions to a woman. You may be innocently enquiring, wondering if we’re ready to go even, or simply checking to see if you can help us with a zip, we understand that, but that’s not how we’ll take it. Instead we will assume you think we look terrible, or you hate the bag and shoe combination we spent hours deliberating over, oh and you also think we look really fat.

2. WHAT’S THE MOST YOU’VE EVER SPENT ON…., Most women would willingly spend half their monthly paychecks on a new pair of designer shoes/haircuts/handbags/clothes that they don’t really need and can’t really afford, but we don’t like to admit this to men. You judge us, we feel guilty – it’s a vicious and unnecessary cycle. Just tell us you like our new shoes, that’s all that needs to be said on the matter.

3. WHY ARE YOU GOING TO THE DOCTOR?, As explained earlier, unless you want to run the risk of hearing about mammograms or gynaecology examinations (trust us, you don’t) then it’s best not to ask this question. Ever. Instead, might we suggest a simple “hope it goes ok”.

4. HAVE YOU FAKE TANNED/DYED YOUR HAIR?, You say “have you fake tanned?”, we hear “you are fake and tacky and I see straight through your lies”. No matter how innocent you may believe this question to be, even if we have gone from a pasty winter white to a deep olive glow over night, it’s a question best left alone.

5. HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE YOU SLEPT WITH?, Women protect their ‘number’ like a Catholic priest protects the cross. Even if we do answer this question, we will probably lie about the answer anyway. Too high and you’ll think we’re slutty, too low and we become a chastised prude. In short, there’s no right, wrong, good or bad answer to this – but you ask it at your own peril.