The 25 golden rules of driving etiquette

There are few things in life more infuriating than not being thanked when you’ve pulled over to allow an oncoming car to pass. At this point, I totally understand uncontrollable road rage – at its darkest level. I mean, when did people become so self-absorbed that they couldn’t be bothered to raise one finger from the steering wheel? Or even nod their head? Or someone driving you not wearing shoes?

Conversely, just the other day I was driving down a narrow country lane – the sun was teasing the tarmac, the birds were chirping – and I received a thumbs up from a fellow driver. It made my bloody afternoon. A thumbs up I gave in return, a grin plastered across my face. A simple knowledge of driving etiquette goes a long way.

Here are the 25 golden rules of driving etiquette:

1. A gentleman does not speed, unless the car he is driving is worth it. Or he is taking his in-labour wife to hospital. Or his Labrador is injured
2. A gentleman does not flick between lanes in slow moving traffic
3. A gentleman will not loiter in the middle lane – the left lane is called the slow lane for a reason
4. A gentleman accepts responsibility if he is at fault
5. A gentleman will give wide berth to a horse on a country lane
6. A gentleman will always thank anyone who has gone out of their way to let them have right of way
7. A gentleman does not rev his engine in a built up area – unless he drives a V12 (its noise is poetry, not pollution)
8. A gentleman dips his headlights well in advance
9. A gentleman does not call the AA for a flat tyre – it is like calling an ambulance for a splinter
10. A gentleman does not spend more time cleaning his car than he does himself
11. A gentleman calls a cab after having more than the driving limit
12. A gentleman does not tailgate – even if he owns an Audi
13. A gentleman does not feel the need to show off how lack of manhood by playing aggressively loud music with all the windows down
14. A gentleman has never considered getting a body kit
15. A gentleman will always slow down for animals
16. A gentleman does not refer to the police as Rozzas, POPO, or Pigs
17. A gentleman accepts his parking tickets with dignity rather than fury
18. A gentleman pulls over if he is causing a tailback
19. A gentleman is never a back-seat driver
20. A gentleman lets other cars pull into the flow of slow traffic
21. A gentleman never resorts to full-blown road rage – he doesn’t want to be a YouTube sensation
22. A gentleman does not adorn his car with eye lashes, fluffy dice or nodding dogs
23. A gentleman does not undertake – he has a brain
24. A gentleman who drives a Defender always acknowledges a fellow Defender driver
25. A gentleman refrains from using his horn

(Image: Warner Bros promotional)

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