Words: Hugh Francis Anderson
History has given us many comedic gentlemen. From Socrates to Oscar Wilde, the genius of these men seemingly knows no bounds. As a matter of principle, a gentleman must always utilise wit, sarcasm and humour to his advantage. Whether this be to outsmart a fiend, cause laughter amongst friends, or simply for the pure fun of it, being funny will always put you in good stead in society. So, to give you a little humorous inspiration, here are 20 of the funniest quotes, as told by gentlemen.
“Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back”
– Oscar Wilde
“Friendship is like peeing on yourself: everyone can see it, but only you get the warm feeling that it brings”
– Robert Bloch
“Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad”
– Miles Kington
“By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher”
– Socrates
“Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience”
– Greg King
“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch”
– Jack Nicholson
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go”
– Oscar Wilde
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house”
– Rod Stewart
“Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason”
– José Maria de Eça de Queiroz
“There is nothing so annoying as to have two people go right on talking when you’re interrupting”
– Mark Twain
“I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t”
– Patrick Murray
“Two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I am not yet completely sure about the universe”
– Albert Einstein
“A woman’s mind is cleaner than a man’s: She changes it more often”
– Oliver Herford
“If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month”
– Theodore Roosevelt
“Roses are red, violets are blue, I’m schizophrenic, and so am I”
– Oscar Levant
“By all means let’s be open-minded, but not so open-minded that our brains drop out”
– Richard Dawkins
“I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with Guess on it. I said, Thyroid problem?”
– Arnold Schwarzenegger
“When God sneezed, I didn’t know what to say”
– Henny Youngman
“If women ran the world we wouldn’t have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days”
– Robin Williams
“When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car”
– Bob Monkhouse
Become a Gentleman’s Journal Member?
Like the Gentleman’s Journal? Why not join the Clubhouse, a special kind of private club where members receive offers and experiences from hand-picked, premium brands. You will also receive invites to exclusive events, the quarterly print magazine delivered directly to your door and your own membership card.
Further reading
Industry's Sagar Radia: "Riz Ahmed is doing things that show other South Asians what is possible"
Charlie Rowe on Wolf Hall, fashion week and working with George Clooney
